Posted by Jake

Episode 210: Gone, Baby Gone

Episode 211: Girls Like That

Episode 212: Deja Vu All Over Again

The Jersey Shore Power Rankings have become my Cross to Bear. I dread doing them, and maybe that’s why I haven’t posted one in a while. Like a band-aid the best way to go about this is to just to rip it off. I’m going to cover the last few episodes here then finish quickly next week with the finale and reunion, I promise. Although I wouldn’t blame you for not believing my promises. I’ve said I’d get these done and I haven’t either because of school or sloth. Lately my promises have been about as reliable as ‘the check is in the mail’, or ‘I swear I won’t cum in your mouth’. Some of these are quick hits (it’s been three weeks, I can’t remember everything) but there’s still a lot to cover here, mostly fights - so let’s get into it.

10(11). Enzo - you would think the guy who gave these degenerates a job would be featured more. Maybe he was too Italian? I mean, I know MTV has nothing against horrible stereotypes. Exhibit A: every Real World cast.

9(9). Angelina - finally! Rejoice! She’s gone! The Chupacabra has left! After a fight with Snooki (a rather entertaining one at that) Angelina is finally gone! As she’s leaving she does the classiest thing imaginable by calling everyone fake and placing the blame on everyone else. I don’t really want to go on too long with her because I’m just so giddy that I may never have to type this cunts name again.

8(10). Sammy - yawn. She bumps heads with Ron… shocking. Really only two things in any of these episodes, Sam makes nice with Snooki and is a prissy bitch to Jenni (once again, shocking) but more on that later. I also don’t know why I’m putting a Pauly screencap here… probably because it’s more interesting than anything that has happened involving her and Ronnie in the last few weeks. Apparently, he’s excited for champagne.

7(8). Ronnie - remember when Ronnie was castrated? Yeah that was around Episode 3.

6(7). JWoww - a slow but expected few weeks for Jenni, tears were shed and other women were threatened with violence. I was debating dropping her a few spots in the rankings because she had argued that Angelina should have stayed because she ‘earned her right to be here’. She completely redeemed herself though by telling Sammi, ‘I used to beat up girls like you in high school’. Combine that quote with her full fishnet outfit in Episode 12 and I might be falling in love. Then again, this is coming from the same guy who told his girlfriend during a recent The Office episode, ‘… I think I’d let Timothy Olyphant fuck me’. Don’t judge, have you watched Deadwood, or Justified? He’s fantastic.

5(4). Dirk Diggler Vinny - it was an uplifting few weeks for Vinny. After having is heart stomped on by some Amazon chick, that same Amazonian Ice queen ended up giving her flower to him. Ok, I highly doubt that, but they totally banged (winks and nudges you in the ribs).

4(3). The Situation - a serious drop in the ranking for Mike, and it’s well deserved. Although he had a strong Episode 11 it quickly went down hill. Let’s start with the good. The Situation picked up the Canadian (and no, not that type of Canadian you racists) Samantha. They went to the house, picked out pajamas then as she was walking back into the kitchen Mike creepily caressed the smash room bed promising that he’d see it later. Upon returning Mike and Samantha moved furniture or played tennis, I’m not sure which but I can’t imagine another activity that involves that much moaning.

But this Canuck was about the only good, the next two episodes were marred with over aggression and an inability to pick up women. It was hard to watch, like seeing your team drop a big game at home. He followed up his failure by staring at Ramona and Vinny, then kissing Snooks (slapping her when she pulled away). Quite frankly, it was a little pathetic.

3(5). Pauly D - Pauly had a few fantastic episodes. Besides having the best reaction faces in the game he also did jumping jacks in the corner of the living room out of excitement when Angelina was leaving. He also summed up Mike’s problems with the women perfectly and why he was a terrible wingman, ‘I need somebody that knows how to take one for the team or entertain a grenade or even decipher a bomb if one comes. It’s a war out there.’ Words to live by my friends.

2(6). Snooki - yes, our tiny orange bundle of STI’s has proudly climbed to the top. Snooki flat out dominated 3 straight episodes. First off she got Angelina out of that goddamned house by calling her a slut (which reminds me of the classic court case Pot vs. Kettle) and accusing her of picking up her sloppy seconds. About these seconds she tells Angelina, ‘if you want to make out with me, just ask’ beat ‘I’ll say yes.’ The brawl was fairly fantastic, but that’s not all she did. She was also went Snookin’ for loving and put together a Manguido list of things she likes in men. I’ll let the screencap speak for itself.

We also sometimes forget that Snooks is a animal lover. While Mike was preparing to cook a lavish dinner for the housemates Snooki saved one of the Lobsters and named it Charlie. She completely forget though that the freshwater refuge she gave it would most likely kill Charlie before Mike did. Snooks also reminisced about her time with Vinny, looking back on it fondly. ‘He’s like my big brother… but usually you don’t have sex with your big brother.’ Snooki needs to keep this up because she is definitely taking pickles to a new level.

1(NR). Us, The TV Viewer - don’t you get it? Angelina’s gone… and that’s The Situation.

Posted by Jake

Episode 204: Breaking Up

Episode 205: The Letter

Episode 206: Not So Shore (it’s a pun… get it?)

I know, I’ve been lazy. I had missed the past two episodes of the Shore making me behind the Eight Ball for last night’s. In a move that was extremely dangerous to my personal health I watched all 3 episodes in one sitting. I now have compiled 180 minutes of The Jersey Shore into a single power ranking (hence Bukkake in the title… plus that term makes me laugh every time I hear it) and the extra A’s in Extravaganza make me sound like a Carnival Barker calling attention to the Post. I’m going to spice this Ranking up with some Screen Caps… but there’s so much great material like Emiliogate, Genital Wartsgate, and everyone’s favorite: Anonymous Lettergate.

10(10). Enzo - he’s been absent for as long as I can remember (what is he, my dad?) which is too bad because he was one of the finer Italian stereotypes I’ve seen in a while. My best guess is he’s dead in banana peel related gokart accident, or was eaten by a giant plant that comes out of green tubing.

9(9). Sweetheart -the main conflict in the house for a while has been Anonymous Lettergate. Pretending like she had absolutely no idea what Ronnie was doing she cried and then showed the note to everyone in the house. Who gives a fuck. Sweetheart is boring and the only thing that is bearable with her is she makes a semi-cute scrunch face while looking in the mirror… it’s really her only redeeming quality. I honestly can’t say this enough - the show would be a lot better without her in the house as the worst wet blanket in the world.

8(8). Angelina -there are a bevy of reasons why I hate Angelina. One of them being that she uses the phrase, ‘I could care less’. Every time the exits her mouth I just want to yell at the TV, ‘it’s I COULDN’T CARES LESS YOU STUPID FUCK… if you could care less YOU WOULD!’ Pretty soon she’ll start pluralizing RBI and I’ll lose my god damned marbles. One of the only two talking points in the last three weeks involving Angelina are her fight with The Situation in which she snapped because Mike asked her to help out around the house. The other being the tag team from Hell: Sammi and Angelina. Those two getting together are like when Denise Richards was on a few episodes of Two and a Half Men. Independent from each other their awful, but combined make a new kind of torture. And in the saddest thing I’ve ever seen Sammi actually barters friendship with Angelina to get information on Ronnie… it’s pathetic. God, she’s the worst.

7(7). Ronnie -remember when Ronnie was an interesting character and had balls? Yeah, neither do I. After Anonymous Lettergate Ronnie tries to play it cool by lying (which MTV awesomely inter-cuts with the act he’s lying about) and pouting. I just want that gorilla getting hammered and hitting on fat chicks… is that too much to ask? He pleads his case though and has the perfect line, ‘I’m definitely not a Saint’.

6(5). Snooki -Snooks surprisingly drops a few spots even though she was engaged in every ‘gate’ the last three weeks. Her complicity in Anonymous Lettergate, her sex with Vinny in Genital Wartsgate and the phone call with Emilio in Emiliogate. Emiliogate and Genital Wartsgate actually overlap at one point. Emilio is an asshole over the phone to which drunk Snooks says she’s going to test the boys’ beds to, ‘test which bed is comfortable enough.’ If you didn’t think she was going to get smushed at this point you’ve never seen Snooki, Jersey Shore or a porno. It’s fantastic, and not only that via Wartsgate we also get a juicy tidbit of what Vincenzo’s working with. Apparently (as Snooki so elegantly put it), ‘it’s like trying to fit a watermelon in a pinhole’. She did have another classic moment while she was writing down a recipe from an ex-boyfriend, she did so with one of those giant crayons they make for the slow kids… I think it’s the same type of crayon Sarah Palin writes her tweets with.  Maybe most famously (and might be the defining moment of the season) JWoww and Snooks wrote ‘The Letter’. Snooki was the one who actually did the typing and I was going to make a joke about her graduating high school, but this makes me legitimately concerned for the the American education system. Jesus Harold Christ, the spelling and grammar in that letter are atrocious. I know it’s an anonymous letter letting your friend know that her boyfriend’s cheating on her, but have some pride.

5(6). JWoww -even though Snooki was the typist, Anonymous Lettergate’s mastermind was none other than every one’s favorite fake titted Newports smoker. I’d be worried about getting caught with an anonymous letter if there were 20 people in the house. There are 8… and Ronnie or Sammi didn’t write it, that means there are 6 people to choose from, and when two people represent 1/3 of that population you are going to get caught. Not to mention there are cameras filming everything because YOU’RE ON FUCKING TELELVISION. Also randomly in the episode JWoww talks to Tom her boyfriend. Did I miss something? I realize she wasn’t as whorish this season, but this boyfriend thing came out of left field. Not only that, but he got play in the episode for the last 15 minutes. And speaking of the last few minutes of this show there was a fight between J and Sammi. Besides the fact that I’m physically afraid of JWoww this seems like it’d be a pretty easy win for her, and it starts that way when she Pedro on Don Zimmer’s Sam to the ground. In a shocking twist though Sammi gets up and land a few haymakers right to J’s chin. I can not wait to see how this ends (*crosses fingers and hopes for kissing*).

4(3). Pauly-D -quiet week for our fair DJ but he does have one of my favorite lines in Jersey Shore history now. While he was with Vinny a the Optometrist Pauly casually mentions to the Doctor during the examination that, ‘he has a history of Pink Eye’. Oh, that’s gold.

3(4). Dirk Diggler Vinny -Vin you dog, you. In these episodes Vinny does what we’ve been waiting a season and a half for him to do. No, not bang Snooki, but to start being awesome. He used to just casually quip in the background or in the confessional - now he’s doing it out in the open. Here are my favorite Vinny quotes followed by that amazing Screen Cap.

~’This spray tan, this chain, and this fitted… how could she not?’ (in reference to Mike’s sister being sexually interested in him)

~’It’s hard to look this fresh.’

~’It’s like your tits. It looks sick, but it’s fake.’ (in reference to the Ice he bought and JWoww’s fake knockers)

2(2). The Situation - Mike has turned from classic Guido dirtball into one of my favorite characters in recent TV memory. Why do I use the term ‘character’? Because that’s exactly what The Situation is. While having a Jersey Shore discussion at work I casually brought up that one of my favorite things about Mike this season is how self-aware he is. You don’t think he realizes he can capitalize off this? He’s toned it down and made a character out of it. Maybe my favorite being how he constantly mugs to the camera. Whether it’s girls rubbing his abs or in the middle of a roommate fight The Situation always has a hilarious face to give directly at the camera, his ability to mug is taking pickles to a whole new level. One of my favorites being when he found out he was being hit on by a Tranny and our new #1.

1(NR). Lady Gaga - MTV can pixelate the face all they want. Awful gloves, terrible looking ratty hair, a suspected Tranny, there is no question the blurred he/she that was hitting on The Situation was Lady Gaga. Has anyone ever considered that Lady Gaga was the inspiration for Charlize Theron’s character in Arrested Development? Think about it, a woman who dresses crazy and talks a little insane but it’s let go because people think she’s artsy or eccentric… and then it turns out she’s just retarded. The parallels are there, that’s all I’m saying… and that’s The Situation.

Posted by Jake

Episode 203: Creepin’

Blah, blah some wise crack about the Oil Spill… you get the point. Anywho, here is another week of Jersey Shore in Miami. Last season I was more than giddy to write these every week and crack wise about the sexual health/general hygiene of the cast. That doesn’t seem to be the case this year. I mean sure I get a laugh every once in a while at the unabashed stupidity by the cast mates, but eventually it gets old and I find myself wondering, ‘there has to be a gas leak… right?’ But alas I kill my soul minute by minute and trudge through the hour and compile a Power Ranking for every week. My general apathy towards the well being of everyone in that house is surprising though especially with such a big week in the house, and with that let’s get to the rankings.

10(10). Enzo - gelato shop owner and still worst Italian stereotype on television.

9(9). Sweetheart -every one’s least favorite Wet Blanket ladies and gentleman. I know I joke around about how much I despise this entire cast (which is mostly true) but my really inspired disdain is for Sammi Sweetheart and is unmatched by anyone in the house… OK maybe Angelina. Drunk and single Ronnie made the first episode one of the better of the series and now she’s trying to lasso and hog tie him into another insanely boring relationship. I could be missing something about Ronnie that she sees though, maybe it’s him making out with other girls at clubs, pushing women and calling them cunts… no, no it has to be the romantic blacked out pick-up lines that would shame Cyrano De Bergerac such as, ‘can I smush you?’ (*kisses fingertips*) c’est magnifique. I’m telling you, if this doesn’t last forever I’m going to start questioning if true love really exists.

8(8). Angelina -the episode starts with the aftermath of Angelina burning her only two bridges in the house by yelling at The Situation and slapping Pauly. I’m always shocked at their black outs. She doesn’t remember things that happened 5 minutes ago, yet can form perfect sentences. As a person who has done some (purely scientific) research on getting blacked out drunk, she may have been teetering but trust me, she was not blacked out. The next morning she wakes up (seemingly unhungover?) and says, ‘I’m trying to be cool with everyone in the house’ I find that statement hard to believe seeing as just about every conflict in Miami has her at the epicenter. She wants a ‘get out of jail free card’ for her actions, but drinking too much and slapping a cast mate really doesn’t help her argument. She cried at the club and the sob story played out, and apparently she’s been forgiven. This saddens me slightly, if the Angelina drama stopped that house it would become insanely boring.

7(5). Ike Turner Ronnie -oh how the mighty have fallen. It doesn’t help that he went to the ‘Ike Turner School of Dealing with Women’. It’s a fail proof system - you can do literally anything you want to a woman, as long as that woman is stupid and will take you back if you apologize or buy her something. Watching Ronnie and Sammi interact is one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever seen, and I once watched Dane Cook try to be funny. Everything from the snuggling to their conversations seem insanely forced. It’s essentially like watching Revolutionary Road played out in South Beach. But Ronnie isn’t always boring or degrading women, sometime he’s insanely racist while talking about a local barbershop. ‘I’m very anal about my hair’ he says, which I thought was an interesting quote, seeing as all he does is quaff it into a faux hawk. And everyone knows a faux hawk is just like the mo hawk… but for pussies. I’m hoping that Sammy and Ronnie eventually break it off so Ronnie can get back into Episode 201 form, or as The Situation put it, ‘one little fight and he feels the right to creep.’

6(4). JWoww -a low key week for Jenni yet again. She seemingly is in the show to wear low cut… everything’s and threaten to put down Angelina with extreme prejudice. During the first few minutes she slapped on what would barely pass as two shreds of fabric and went out to the club to, ‘let the girls breathe’. Woof, she’s lucky it never gets cold enough in Miami for those fun bags to freeze. She also had one of my favorite selfish moments in the show while talking to Snooks about the Ronnie/Sammi situation. As they’re discussing possible ways of rectifying the problem with their friends, naturally JWoww decides they need to be cautious and approach if from the, ‘how will we look in all of this’ standpoint. Stay classy.

5(7). Snooki -Snooks returned to rare form this week, and it all started with their first night out and rocked the Season 1 throwback jersey by wearing leopard print and doing the poof. Before I get into the meat and potatoes of what happened with Snooki this week, I feel it’s important to address the fantastic possibilities of her working in that gelato shop. First off she can’t do anything right, and can’t even see the customers because as she puts it, ‘I’m a fucking Smurf.’ The best part of the gelato shop though was hands down when The Situation lifted her on the statue of the (dog? camel? what the fuck was that animal?) and she said, ‘oh, it hurts my vagina… no (as Mike goes to help her down) I kind of like it.’ Which was also the first time in human history where cement contracted a venereal disease. Now the big stuff. The aforementioned leopard print night ended better than anyone could’ve expected. As Vinny is falling asleep on the bean bag chair by the telephone Snooki goes to call her boyfriend and is too drunk to dial. Vinny starts laughing creepily and they eventually make it back to Vinny’s bed. After about a minute Snooki rolls over and bluntly says, ‘wanna fuck?’

4(6). Vinny - to which Vinny boldly replies, ‘sure’. What a great fucking response. But I’ll get back to that. The other thing that made Vinny jump 2 spots was his inclusion in MVP (Mike - Vinny - Pauly), which is not to be confused with MVPA. They did a great job of slinking away from Angelina and having a boys night out supporting the GFF (Grenade Free Foundation). But their support didn’t last long as they returned from the club with nothing but Grenades. But back to Vinny and Snooki’s love fest. We never got a definitive answer from either on what happened and MTV conveniently never showed anything from that room that night. Should we assume the worst or take Vinny at his word? Vinny says he didn’t touch her, which may be true but I’d be willing to bet he touched her insides.

3(3). Pauly-D -the first thing I noticed about our fair DJ in this episode is how jacked he got since Season 1. I remember him being fairly thin and untattooed, now he looks like if Kat Von D could bench press a Hummer. Pauly really didn’t do that much again in this episode, but it was still just solid all around. One of the more banner moment came after they orchestrated Operation Angelina Ditch and were hanging in the jacuzzi with Grenades. Like Jaws on an unsuspecting coed a bra implant slowly creeped onto Pauly’s arm from under the water (a superb job by the editor using the ‘grainy 70’s horror movie filter’ as it nestled up to him). ‘It looks like a chicken cutlett’, Pauly said as the boys tossed it around jokingly, emarrassing the poor girl on Basic Cable Television almost guaranteeing that girl’s spiral into food, cocks, drugs and most likely suicide.

2(2). The Situation - ‘we’re at the zoo’, Mike calmly says as he wipes off his face and surveys the hot tub situation. For a guy who constantly complains about Grenades he’s been doing a bang up job of bringing nothing but back to their house for nearly 1 1/2 Seasons. But I’m not here to rag on The Situation, he (nearly) earns the top spot for yet another week. He danced with his shirt up the first night at the club, and when MVP hit the town refused to let any button on the shirt he was wearing confine his abs. Those abs were later used to promote the gelato shop with ‘6 Pack Advertising’… which just consisted of Mike taking his shirt off and asking chicks if they wanted ice cream. Sure, it failed miserably, but he gets an A for effort and all this season has really been taking pickles to a new level.

1(NR). The Syracuse Orange - no one has been getting more action out of the popularity of Jersey Shore than Snooki’s doppelganger the Syracuse Orange. He’s been known to go home with several people a night since everyone assumes he’s Snooki. Let’s just say Cuse hasn’t seen this much scoring since Carmelo Anthony entered the draft… and that’s The Situation.

Posted by Jake

Episode 202: The Hangover

As if the Gulf hasn’t had enough toxic waste pumped into it, MTV’s Jersey Shore is ‘taking its talents to South Beach’ for Season 2. Several things before I get to the list. A) I’m sorry this is late, but taking notes is actually exhausting while watching this show. I dread watching every DVR’d episode because I know viewing it will kill a part of my soul. B) a few people have complained that I make reference to the BP Oil Spill at the beginning of every Power Rankings article. I won’t do what I normally would (which is tell them to go fuck themselves), instead I’ll offer an ultimatum. I opened every Power Ranking of Season 1 by saying that The Jersey Shore was the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11. So would you rather have me make a casual joke about an Oil Spill, or would rather be some kind of sicko and have me begrudgingly remind people of the horrors on 9/11? Your choice people. Now that that is taken care of, back to Episode 2 which opens with a gusto - Ronnie came stumbling in blacked out, using ‘Bro’ as a noun, verb and adjective. There’s a phenomenal faux-night cam in the house that shows Ronnie going into bed with Sammi. The cast mates then decided to turn the Drama up to 11 and break off the knob.

10 (NR). Boss at the Gelato Shop - that guy has to be casted, there’s no way there’s a walking Italian-American Stereotype that perfect.

9(9). Sweetheart - other than being Ronnie’s personal Wet Blanket there’s really not much to talk about here with Sammi. The main thing that happened for her was when she went through Ronnie’s phone book and found his ex’s number. How bat-shit crazy are you? You’re so in love with this guy that you go through his personal phone book, then freak out because there’s an ex’s number there? Come on. That being said, Pauly-D brings up a great point saying, ‘you just gotta prepare for that.’

8(8). Angelina - or as The Situation has deemed her, ‘Ms. Cockblock of the Century’. A fitting name I might add. She spent most of this episode fighting, which is not entirely different than any other minute she’s been on screen. It all came to a head with the other girls in the cabana, where she was confronted about bad mouthing Snooki’s current fuck buddy boyfriend. After a while Angelina just blurts out, ‘this is High School shit’ which if she actually graduated would then know, that is what 99% of these arguments are. Having ruined any chance of patchwork between the women she heads to sushi with the boys. Her quote while eating, ‘I get along with guys more than I get along with girls’ is true but only because most whores work that way. Things with Angelina boil over at the club while she’s dancing with other girls and Pauly-D makes the social observation, ‘I think a lot of girls like both nowadays’ and other than my first though being ‘can someone tell my girlfriends it’s cool to be into chicks,’ it immediately hit me that Angelina is a complete enigma on this show. She has no friends, dances with everyone - there are no answers for her. She then got blacked out drunk and embarrassed herself to her only friends in the house. She made absolutely no sense while talking (i.e. ‘you were talking to a girl that AKA was married’), dropped quite a few Hard-R’s and then slapped Pauly-D in the face (side note: even though it wasn’t hard The Real World ‘Touch Someone You Go Home’ Rule must not apply because she’s in the preview for future episodes). My advice to her if she wants to move out of the cellar is take those bridges and burn baby, burn.

7(4) Snooki -a slow week out of Snooks, and thus she moves down. Every one’s favorite Oompa-Loompa stayed in the background this week really only making waves by starting a fight and buying the most ridiculous pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen. Not only can she not see out of them (‘when you put them on you can’t really see, so I don’t think you can drive with them because you’ll get a ticket’) but they cost almost $400. I suspect she will move up the Ranks in the coming weeks because of a teased hook up with our #6.

6(7). Vinny -another solid week out of Vinny, but it’s hard for me to move him up any further than middle of the pack if he continues to be just an ancillary character. He had two great quotes though, both dealing with The Situation spilling the Ronnie beans to all the girls. Every guy has a buddy who has done something stupid and been in this situation - where Vinny first says, ‘he told girls… what was he thinking?’ Which then as JWoww tries to pry further he says, ‘no, don’t say anything… she has a vagina’. Other than that statement being wildly debatable, it might be the best of the season so far.

5(2). Ronnie -oh, Ron Ron… how the mighty have fallen. Ronnie starts out the epi strong by stumbling in and being what Pauly-D calls the ‘IFF - I’m the Fucked Foundation’ luckily as Pauly also points out, Ronnie’s a client and the president. He gets in hot water with Sammi (who he’s not even dating) about what transpired during his blackout and he takes the route that work for OJ - deny, deny, deny. Ronnie’s episode then starts to snowball towards pathetic when Sammi comes in to apologize and Ronnie is laying on the bed pouting because she wouldn’t talk to him the night prior. I thought maybe at some point he might find the set of balls he dropped on his way back from the club, but he never did describing love as imperfect… or as he put it, ‘we’re not Zach and Kelly’. Which he’s actually right about, because I don’t hate Zach and Kelly. Ronnie hits the final straw with me when he goes to get a tattoo towards then end of the episode because, ‘with everything I’m going through, I just want to feel pain.’ Really asshole… really? You’re making $10,000 and episode to booze, sling gelato and make drama with Sammi, please for the love of God shut the fuck up.

4(6). JWoww - our fair lady boy had quite the solid week. As they walked up to (what Snooki thought was) a ‘Tranny Shop’ Jwoww confirmed most of our suspicions by describing it as, ‘perfect, it’s my scene’. They then proceeded to buy clothing that would make most prostitutes blush. Her two shining moments though came later in the episode when Snooki sees JWoww naked through what can only be described as ‘the Worst Bathroom Door Ever’ to which everyone immediately comes to take a peak. There’s then the aforementioned big fight in the cabana between JWoww, Snooks, and Angelina where J name drops a few of her friends including, ‘J420 and Joey-Anks (sp?)’. At that point I laughed out loud, those are serious names? I mean the robots in Star Wars had more cleverly thought up names than that. My laughter quickly subsided into blinding fear as she threatened beat the shit out of Angelina. I believe she would do it too with the possibility of seriously injuring Angelina as it looks like JWoww could bench press a Volkswagen. If I were on her bad side I would definitely heed her advice and ‘sleep with one eye open’.

3(5). Pauly-D - what a great week for every body’s favorite DJ. He showed us how real men shower (just douche yourself with Axe), and how to pick up married chicks. Hands down his shining moment came when he was asked to wear a hat while working at the Gelato Shop. ‘This hair ain’t movin’ my dude… 150 miles an hour on a street bike, it doesn’t move. What makes you think it’s going to move in a Gelato Shop.’

2(3). The Situation - this is maybe the most dominant week of Jersey Shore I’ve seen since Snooki was punched in the face. The episode starts out strong for Mike as they’re going through the carnage of the night prior when he casually wakes up and takes a sip of the beer on his nightstand. He also does a fantastic job of dealing with the spilled chicken situation, being succinct with ‘pick the shit up dawg’. Mike also introduces us to rocking ‘the shirt before the shirt’, which oddly enough is something I’ve been doing for years… but only because I sweat completely any shirt I wear within minutes. The real good stuff starts at the club where we get The Situation in prime form making out with a chick and he delivers us the standard pixelated upskirt shot while she’s climbing off of him (the first of Season 2). But none of this compares to his telephone etiquette - which is what lands him the top spot easily. Not only is it fantastic to answer the phone, ‘Situation speaking’ but him ordering food may be one of the greatest things ever captured on film. ‘yeah The Situation… capital S - i - t - u - a - t - i - o - n’ then the guy on other end (audibly fed up), ‘whatever, dude’. This season it’s definitely safe to say that The Situation is taking pickles to a whole new level.

1(NR). The Jesus Shore -it’s safe to say that many Americans (mostly prudes) do not approve of the way the Jersey Shore cast mates live their lives. There is a specific group from Seaside Heights taking action against this lifestyle - enter The Jesus Shore. A religious group promoting PTL (praise the Lord) instead of every one’s favorite GTL. They’re main goal is to show that there’s another side to Seaside Heights other than ‘fighting and fornicating’ Pastor Anthony Storino says. Now I love knocking on religious nutjobs as much as the next guy… but I won’t do it here. Although I have bad news for the fine Pastor Storino - Seaside Heights didn’t have the most exemplary reputation even before The Shore started (plus they gave me the rare opportunity to photoshop Moses). Looks like Pauly-D’s beats won’t be the only regarded as Holy on The Shore for Season 3 - which yes, they’re already shooting… and that’s The Situation.

Posted by Jake

Without question MTV’s Jersey Shore was the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11… and now, as if the Gulf hasn’t had enough problems the cast will be boozing and spreading The Clap all over South Beach. With Season 2 starting up this means the return of an ADPTP Favorite - Jersey Shore Power Rankings. Before the season starts on July 29th it’s important to know where everyone stands heading into Episode 1. Plus this gives me a chance to rehash a bunch of jokes I thought were gold in the first set of Power Rankings from a time when no one read the site… and I get to do it because jokes are like rape cases - no Statute of Limitations. And now, the countdown including their current rank and their rank at the end of last season.

10 (NR). Angelina - apparently she’s coming back? She was Unranked at the end of Season 1 because she left the show due to… well I don’t remember why. In fact I barely remember her, then again barely remember the last time I farted too.

9 (8). Sweetheart - once again, boring. She dated Ronnie for most of the first season, and the only thing that was really stood out was she banged him within a few days. The problem there is that this still makes her unmemorable, a diseased needle in a tanned intercourse haystack.

8 (9). Vinny - as I mentioned last season I thought Vinny would pull a ‘Minkus’. For those of you who have never watched Boy Meets World - Minkus was the lovable Dork for the first few seasons, disappearing when the cast made it to high school. When Graduation came around the explanation was, ‘I was just on the other side of the school the whole time’. This is Vinny, a background character that gained legs near the middle of the season, but by the end just seemed to be on the other side of the club the whole time.

7 (7). Duck Phone - here’s to hoping the Duck Phone migrated South for Season 2. Whether it was Snooki reconnecting with her mom or JWoww growing apart from her boyfriend, the Duck blinked its eyes and listened. The Duck Phone quickly replaced Booze and Rohypnol as an intricate part of all the Jersey Shore relationships.

6 (5). Pauly-D - DJ Pauly-D has been almost nonexistent since Season 1 has ended. Few men have ever layed on so many grenades and lived to tell the tale. As Pauly-D starts his second tour as The Situation’s Wingman you wonder if the tides will turn for our fair DJ or if he’ll keep taking home ugly chicks.

5 (6). Ronnie - probably should be lower, his season long relationship with Sammy Sweetheart really ruined his chances to run a muck on these Power Rankings last December. Although he gets props for Smushing her on the first week, he quickly dropped for continuing to do so. He’s moved up because the rumor around the school yard is the HGH finally takes a hold of him and there’s a Testosterone Fueled Slut Bang this season… I cannot wait.

4 (3). Snooki - this pudgy orange ball of Daddy Issues stole America’s heart by showing her crotch while dancing and being genuinely unlikable last season. Oh yeah, and she got KO’d in a bar. I still remember the first time I saw the clip - I couldn’t believe it, it was so amazing - when she got sucker punched I felt like that nerd at the end of Scanners. If I ever have a daughter, her actions are the reason I will try my hardest to have her not hate me. But somehow she gets magazine shoots and has a monthly appearance on the Tonight Show. But why? Let’s be honest here, if being a loud mouthed cunt who gets punched in the face makes you famous - my girlfriend would be a millionaire by now.

3 (2). JWoww - apparently she’s curtailed this into a moderately successful modeling career. How? Her face is extremely mannish and her boobs look like someone stretched skin too tight over a pair of softballs. But still I keep getting it pounded down my throat how attractive she is. I don’t buy it, it’s like one of those batshit conspiracy theories like Elvis and Tupac are still alive, The Wizard of Oz matching up with Pink Floyd, or Boondock Saints being watchable.

2 (1). The Situation - although he did have the top spot after last year’s finale Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino has been bumped back a spot. I have a strong feeling that Mike will have no problem regaining the top spot in Miami though. He ended the season the strongest out of the regular cast members and deserves a spot in the Reality Show Hall of Fame (is Fame the right word there?). One of the better quotes of last season came as he and Pauly-D lured two girls into the nefarious hot tub, ‘I’m hooking up with my girl. Pauly is hooking up with his girl. And we’re going to have sex. That’s the situation.’ Forget Rorschach, Michael Sorrentino is the tragic hero America can empathize with.

1 (NR). The Jacuzzi - the true hero of Jersey Shore Season 1. This Hot Tub has seen more Guido ass than a park bench in Newark. When asked for comment on what took place in the Jacuzzi on The Jersey Shore a Hot Tub from the Sybaris vomited and said, ‘God, I feel sorry for that guy’. Here’s to hoping that the entire Jacuzzi is sealed away somewhere like the Ark of the Covenant. Rumor has it the Producers couldn’t bury it for fear the liquid contents of that Hot Tub would seep some poor town’s water supply… and that’s The Situation.

Posted by Jake

Episode 1.4 – Fade to Black

Each week ADPTP will have a semi-sports related comment thanks to the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11 - MTV’s Jersey Shore (Cracked.com). It’s relevant because there’s a ton of booze on the show and Power Rankings have to kind of do with Sports. This is a little late, but seeing as The Shore is on a 2 week break I figured I’d have time. This week was essentially the one we’ve all been waiting for – Snooki gets sucker punched.

8. Vinny (9) – continues to have a nonexistent role on the show except for when they pan the dance floor and he’s creeping on some Bleached Blonde Shore Whore. The good news is that technically he’s moved up in the standings - but only because Jolie left the show. He’s getting legitimately less screen time and is going to slowly fade away until he’s non-existent… like Minkus on Boy Meets World.

7. Sweetheart (5) – other than fake flirting with a cop, getting Smushed by Ronnie is the best thing she’s done in weeks.

6. Duck Phone (8) – had a lot of play this week. Whether it was Snooki reconnecting with her mom or JWoww growing apart from her boyfriend, the Duck blinks its eyes and listens. The Duck Phone may replace Booze and Rohypnol as an intricate part of all Jersey Shore relationships.

5. Ronnie (2) - although I do believe he is the Alpha Male of the house still he has broken his Cardinal Rule, ‘Don’t Fall in Love on the Jersey Shore’. Although it’s awesome that he’s Smushing Sweetheart just weeks after first meeting her, it has turned him into a boring one dimensional character. I was expecting a lot of Whore Smushing and Roid Induced Fights out of Ronnie.

4. Pauly-D (6) – a rather large push in the numbers, but that’s what you get when you jump on grenades. Being The Situation’s Wing-Man is the best thing that could’ve happened to DJ Pauly. If he’s not pushing Jacuzzi he’s busy taking home Ugly Girls for The Situation. He also has one of the greatest quotes of the show so far in describing their insanely idiotic dancing, ‘we’re beatin’-up-the-beat, that’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First, we start off by banging the ground, we’re banging it as the beat builds ‘cause that beat’s hittin’ us so we’re fightin’ back, it’s like we beat up that beat.’ Right now Hemingway is turning in his grave.

3. Snooki (3) – stays pat at 3. Although she had a great week I really think she hasn’t done anything that warrants a jump up. Her prime moments were meeting with her mom and doing cartwheels in a dress showing her vagina to an entire club… oh yeah, SHE GOT PUNCHED IN THE FUCKING FACE. MTV made the classy decision not to show it, so sorry folks you won’t be able to witness the sucker punch unless you have cable television, a DVR or access to the Internet.

2. JWoww (1) – moved down a spot because our #1 had a stellar week. She stayed near the top because she continues to wear outfits that would make most strippers blush and slut it up on Pauly-D. The tension between her boyfriend keeps building and I’m assuming that at some point they will break it off sending her into a Whorish Meltdown. Naturally this will result in the Chernobyl of Smushing Guidos.

1. The Situation (4) – what can I say about Mike ‘The Situation’? He’s finally nailed the top spot like some floozy at Karma (a position many readers have thought he’s deserved for weeks). He did not have a dull moment, whether it was fist pumping, two timing or delivering gold quotes, this was his episode. One of the better quotes coming as he and Pauly-D lured two girls into that nefarious hot tub, ‘I’m hooking up with my girl. Pauly is hooking up with his girl. And we’re going to have sex. That’s the situation.’ Forget Rorschach, Michael Sorrentino is the tragic hero America can love… and that’s The Situation.

Posted by Jake

Episode 1.3 - Good Riddance

Each week ADPTP will have a semi-sports related comment thanks to the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11 - MTV’s Jersey Shore (Cracked.com). It’s relevant because there’s a ton of booze on the show and Power Rankings have to kind of do with Sports.

9. Vinny (5) - maybe the worst character. He has no screen time and has lost a lot of ground since last week seeing as the only reason he was relevant was him having Pink Eye. Also, he might be retarded.

8. The Duck Phone (Unranked) - actually more entertaining than Vinny.

7. Angelina (7) - that’s right - a character that got the boot is above Vinny. This episode she brought friends to the house, and in their second of screen time managed to suck less than her. She really didn’t get entertaining until her last moments when we find out that her current boyfriend is probably leaving her and in the process of getting a divorce (which is high on the Unintentional Comedy Scale). She then refuses to call in sick and drums up a fake cold to try and get out of work. Listen Toots, you’re coughing because you slammed a pack of Newport Menthols and found out your boyfriend is still married not because of Influenza. There’s a Montage after she leaves of here being just a bitch to all the roommates - all I can say is - Good Riddance Cockblock.

6. Pauly D (6) - consistently hanging out around the bottom half. Forget that he’s asked to start the grill and almost blows up the house - he’s just not that interesting. The only good thing he’s done is break up JWoww and her boyfriend and have a earring through his penis. He does have a good quote about the JWoww sittune though - ‘she doesn’t want to feel like a trash bag because she kissed me with her tongue.’ Like a modern day Walt Whitman.

5. Sweetheart (2)  - a big drop off for her. One of the reason’s I put her as a power player is because she played The Situation and went with Ronnie. Now that she’s a One-Man-Woman… no thanks. MTV has a time honored tradition of putting some World Class Whores on TV, I thought she had a shot but I was wrong. She only gets a little bit of credit for hitting on that Cop after she saw Ronnie dancing (more on that later).

4. The Situation (3) - falls back a spot but I can’t pinpoint why. It could be because he complimented Sweetheart after she played him, or that he was talking about how hot Snooki’s horse-faced friend Ryder. Let’s be honest, if she looked any more like a horse Siegs would’ve already lost $2 Grand on her. But like a Guido from the Ashes he redeems himself slightly by making out with #3.

3. Snooki (4) - she really puts it on here. She’s bringing her whorish friends and dances with them, makes out with them, eats pickles seductively… just whorish things in general. Most of this happening in the Hot Tub, which might be grosser than the Sybaris. You might get The Clap from breathing the air around this Jacuzzi. Snooki is right now a whore on the prowl and makes out with The Situation in the aforementioned Cesspool. She also has a great quote about her make out session with The Situation describing why she did it - ‘that’s what I want, a good guy and a jerk off.’ Reminds you of the end of a Jane Austen novel, doesn’t it?

2. Ronnie (1) - Ronnie drops a surprising spot a) because of his laugh, and b) because he’s sweet on Sweetheart. I mean they even went on a date… this isn’t the Ronnie I was assuming to see. He stays high because regardless of who he’s ‘pounding out’ he’s still the Alpha Male of the house. He is built like a brick shit-house and has a patented dance move that is phenomenal. He also uses this dance move to possibly dance with another girl (we’re not sure of the sitch) and possibly hook up with #1.

1. JWoww (8) - from worst to first! I really was not interested in her at all the first episode - she had a boyfriend and made out with a guy… big deal, this is MTV not PAX - try and shock me folks. She kind of starts coming out of her shell pretending to be blacked out when mouth fucking Pauly D and seeing his pierced member. Nobody buys it. She also has her boyfriend come to the Shore, and as you would assume is wearing an Affliction or Tapout shirt. They eventually break up over Pauly D’s lips and penis and JWoww blossoms. She shows up to go out in a top that would make most strippers blush and dances on just about every guy on the show and probably the Boom Mic Operator. When Ronnie leaves the club in the hurry this minx immediately jets as well. Did they hook up? I guess we’ll have to tune in next week to The Shore.

Later Bra, You’s Feels Me?