posted by Jake

I will say it, we dropped the ball. Saturday was a sad day here at ADPTP with the passing of Al Davis. Unfortunately, neither of us could really comment though as Brandon was on his way to Vegas as the news hit and I was on the train back to Wisconsin. A proper obit should have been written but when I got back to a computer it felt insultingly late. I celebrated the best I knew how by placing foolish wagers on sporting events and getting obscenely drunk… I trust Brandon did the same. We must forge on though, and in the truest of spirits I present to you today - Hatred Power Rankings.

Honorable Mentions - Jamaal Charles’ Knees, @JGeish, Assholes Who Keep a Straight Brim on their Hat (or Do Not Remove the Sticker), the NBA, My Checking Account and (as always) Corey Hart

5. People Who Refuse to Listen to Me - I am not a modest human being. In fact I would go so far as to say that I am the most narcissistic person I have ever met in my life (then again I have never met someone who names their children after them). I say that to qualify this next statement - ‘when it comes to film and television I have very good taste’. This is thought is reaffirmed not only by sharing opinions with friends that in which I respect their taste, but also sharing many of the same interests as some of the top critics in the game (either film or television). So why is it that no one listens to me? This is a petty grievance but few dig under my skin quite like this. A perfect example is one of my college roommates who after realizing we shared common interests suggested I watch Six Feet Under and Deadwood. Seeing as I respect his opinion I validated that by watching both series, and both were outstanding. Yet, in the nearly eight years I have known him this cocksucker has yet to even tap into Twin Peaks, The Shield, Mad Men or The Wire. And now Brandon and my girlfriend has started doing it too with Breaking Bad, like they are all in cahoots to drive me fucking insane. BB is even on Netflix Instant Watch… you do not even have to burn calories changing a disc! But no, you assholes figured me out. I give up, my plan has been foiled. It is the greatest long con I have ever attempted, where for just shy of a decade I tell you to watch the greatest television show ever created in The Wire, just to have you finish all five masterful seasons and hate it. And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

4. Dale Sveum - if I had to come up with five words to describe Brewers Hitting Coach Dale Sveum I would attempt to spell ‘goober’ differently five times. The guy is awful. I once described Sveum’s hitting philosophy as, ‘the more lazy fly balls you hit, the better chance you have of getting a solo home run’. I have never seen a team like this years Brewers take such awful swings ahead in the count, 2-0 or 3-1. I realize a lot of people will argue two things, that 1) maybe the Brewers just are not that good at hitting and 2) what about Braun and Fielder? Yes, both are within the realm of possibility. But let us make an analogy here. Lets say there is a math class in which a few students excel in working out the easiest problems on a test, but upwards of 90% of the class can not figure it out. Do you say that it must be the entire class is dumb or is it more likely that the teacher is not doing something correctly?

3. ‘… it’s like Hitler… ’ - this week on Fox and Friends Hank Williams Jr. was on for exactly the type of hard hitting journalism conservatives masturbating to Ronald Reagan fuck around puff piece you would expect from Fox News. Although, Hank had other plans in mind. Instead of simply talking about the GOP’s chances in the next election he (in all fairness was continually goaded by the hag in the middle) makes the bold move of saying that President Obama playing golf with John Boehner was like, ‘Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu’. Before we dissect Hank’s comments, let’s take into consideration that this is coming out of the same mouth that has used ‘don’t tread on me’ unironically and without self-awareness but he is also wearing a camouflaged Alabama hat. The only person I would trust wearing an Alabama hat to pass the GED is Nick Saban… although I am wildly impressed he knew the Israeli Prime Minister by name. But, naturally Monday Night Football pulled HWJ’s song, he wrote his own song in protest (called Keep the Change… ugh) and people generally overreacted. But let us not look past Williams Jr’s most egregious misstep - devaluing Adolf Hitler as an awful human being. Can we stop this? Not everyone needs to be compared to one of the more horrible dictators in recorded human history. Joseph Stalin, even Pol Pot are a fair comparison, but calling your cat, ‘like Hitler with paws’ because it scratched up your new couch is ridiculous. When said cat has wiped out nearly all of Europe’s mice, come talk to me. Barack Obama passed health care reform, Adolf Hitler attempted the systematic eradication of the entire Jewish people. Making these ridiculous comparisons we are slowly trivializing the atrocities he was responsible for. That being said, this morning I did spill coffee on a ‘dry clean only’ shirt and it was my personal 9/11.

2. St Louis Cardinals -a few Hatred Power Rankings ago the Cardinals made the list, although the argument could be made they should never leave. Currently the Milwaukee Brewers are tied 2-2 in the NLCS with the Red Birds and my hatred boils like never before for that team. The Cardinals play with a swagger of a team that can not lose and have for the most part outplayed the Brewers in this series. I think what makes me hate them is how much I respect them. Albert Pujols is one of the greatest right handed hitters of all time, and Tony La Russa commands respect if only because he’s nipping out of a flask all game. Allen Craig will hit 20-25 home runs if he ever plays a full season and David Freese is one of the best young players at the hot corner. There are players to hate… and a lot of them. Chris Carpenter constantly chirps at players while pitching and Matt Holliday won the 2009 award for HGH’s Man of the Year while being runner up to the honor in 2010. But maybe the player to draw the brunt of my ire - Rafael Furcal. This asshole has not stayed healthy for 20 consecutive days since 2006, and out of nowhere he comes off his reserved spot on the 15-day DL to tear up the Brewers and help the Cards charge into the Postseason. I will say this though, if the Braves had made the playoffs the Crew would be playing the Phillies right now and the series might already be over. It does not change that I can not stand this team and would be happy if they never won a game again for the rest of my natural born life.

1. Remakes, Reimaginings and Prequels - this weekend at the box office morons will be treated with either a remake a Footloose or a prequel to The Thing. I guess my biggest question is, why? I will admit, I did not think Footloose was anything special but many feel it is a classic. I mean were there studio heads that were screaming, ‘it has been 17 years since we have had a movie where an entire town outlaws dancing, someone get on that!’ And The Thing is even more sickening to me, they have taken one of the greatest horror movies of all time and gone, ‘you know what, let’s take all the mystery and intrigue out of the monster and give it an origin story’. Is Hollywood completely out of ideas at this point? Maybe the most insulting to our intelligence is professional hack Paul WS Anderson’s reimagining of Three Musketeers. This is not a film, this is an abortion on celluloid. I am 99% positive that if we were to show Alexander Dumas the trailer for this movie he would have said, ‘fuck it, it’s for the best’ and burned the original manuscript. The Three Musketeers did not have blimps or flamethrowers. You are not reimagining a story, you are reimagining human engineering. Here’s what I am going to do, I am going to ‘reimagine’ of one of my favorite pieces of popular fiction. It takes place behind enemy lines somewhere in Laos/Cambodia with a bunch of Spec Ops guys trapped in a POW camp, and then Jesus comes to save them as well as the rest of humanity. That joke is not going to go over well with some people. Maybe the most infuriating for me came out on bluray in September with the three original Star Wars movies (I will not now, nor ever recognize Parts I-III as Star Wars films). George Lucas is a fat asshole who needs to die… or just simply leave the original trilogy alone. I remember seeing the rerelease of Return of the Jedi with my mom and being completely confused as computerized characters waltzed across the screen and Hayden Christensen’s ghost sat with Obi Wan and Yoda at the end. I mean seriously George? One of the most iconic shots in film history and you super impose that no talent ass clown in with Yoda and Sir Alec Guiness? Go fuck yourself George Lucas. I will never own a copy of your fucked out attempt to scrape every last cent out of the only good idea you have had in 30 years, or your constant raping of the original three. This is a plan going forward too, I will not allow my children to grow up in a world where Greedo shoots first… I mean that’s like Hitler tongue kissing Jackie Kennedy.