Posted by Jake

Episode 203: Creepin’

Blah, blah some wise crack about the Oil Spill… you get the point. Anywho, here is another week of Jersey Shore in Miami. Last season I was more than giddy to write these every week and crack wise about the sexual health/general hygiene of the cast. That doesn’t seem to be the case this year. I mean sure I get a laugh every once in a while at the unabashed stupidity by the cast mates, but eventually it gets old and I find myself wondering, ‘there has to be a gas leak… right?’ But alas I kill my soul minute by minute and trudge through the hour and compile a Power Ranking for every week. My general apathy towards the well being of everyone in that house is surprising though especially with such a big week in the house, and with that let’s get to the rankings.

10(10). Enzo - gelato shop owner and still worst Italian stereotype on television.

9(9). Sweetheart -every one’s least favorite Wet Blanket ladies and gentleman. I know I joke around about how much I despise this entire cast (which is mostly true) but my really inspired disdain is for Sammi Sweetheart and is unmatched by anyone in the house… OK maybe Angelina. Drunk and single Ronnie made the first episode one of the better of the series and now she’s trying to lasso and hog tie him into another insanely boring relationship. I could be missing something about Ronnie that she sees though, maybe it’s him making out with other girls at clubs, pushing women and calling them cunts… no, no it has to be the romantic blacked out pick-up lines that would shame Cyrano De Bergerac such as, ‘can I smush you?’ (*kisses fingertips*) c’est magnifique. I’m telling you, if this doesn’t last forever I’m going to start questioning if true love really exists.

8(8). Angelina -the episode starts with the aftermath of Angelina burning her only two bridges in the house by yelling at The Situation and slapping Pauly. I’m always shocked at their black outs. She doesn’t remember things that happened 5 minutes ago, yet can form perfect sentences. As a person who has done some (purely scientific) research on getting blacked out drunk, she may have been teetering but trust me, she was not blacked out. The next morning she wakes up (seemingly unhungover?) and says, ‘I’m trying to be cool with everyone in the house’ I find that statement hard to believe seeing as just about every conflict in Miami has her at the epicenter. She wants a ‘get out of jail free card’ for her actions, but drinking too much and slapping a cast mate really doesn’t help her argument. She cried at the club and the sob story played out, and apparently she’s been forgiven. This saddens me slightly, if the Angelina drama stopped that house it would become insanely boring.

7(5). Ike Turner Ronnie -oh how the mighty have fallen. It doesn’t help that he went to the ‘Ike Turner School of Dealing with Women’. It’s a fail proof system - you can do literally anything you want to a woman, as long as that woman is stupid and will take you back if you apologize or buy her something. Watching Ronnie and Sammi interact is one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever seen, and I once watched Dane Cook try to be funny. Everything from the snuggling to their conversations seem insanely forced. It’s essentially like watching Revolutionary Road played out in South Beach. But Ronnie isn’t always boring or degrading women, sometime he’s insanely racist while talking about a local barbershop. ‘I’m very anal about my hair’ he says, which I thought was an interesting quote, seeing as all he does is quaff it into a faux hawk. And everyone knows a faux hawk is just like the mo hawk… but for pussies. I’m hoping that Sammy and Ronnie eventually break it off so Ronnie can get back into Episode 201 form, or as The Situation put it, ‘one little fight and he feels the right to creep.’

6(4). JWoww -a low key week for Jenni yet again. She seemingly is in the show to wear low cut… everything’s and threaten to put down Angelina with extreme prejudice. During the first few minutes she slapped on what would barely pass as two shreds of fabric and went out to the club to, ‘let the girls breathe’. Woof, she’s lucky it never gets cold enough in Miami for those fun bags to freeze. She also had one of my favorite selfish moments in the show while talking to Snooks about the Ronnie/Sammi situation. As they’re discussing possible ways of rectifying the problem with their friends, naturally JWoww decides they need to be cautious and approach if from the, ‘how will we look in all of this’ standpoint. Stay classy.

5(7). Snooki -Snooks returned to rare form this week, and it all started with their first night out and rocked the Season 1 throwback jersey by wearing leopard print and doing the poof. Before I get into the meat and potatoes of what happened with Snooki this week, I feel it’s important to address the fantastic possibilities of her working in that gelato shop. First off she can’t do anything right, and can’t even see the customers because as she puts it, ‘I’m a fucking Smurf.’ The best part of the gelato shop though was hands down when The Situation lifted her on the statue of the (dog? camel? what the fuck was that animal?) and she said, ‘oh, it hurts my vagina… no (as Mike goes to help her down) I kind of like it.’ Which was also the first time in human history where cement contracted a venereal disease. Now the big stuff. The aforementioned leopard print night ended better than anyone could’ve expected. As Vinny is falling asleep on the bean bag chair by the telephone Snooki goes to call her boyfriend and is too drunk to dial. Vinny starts laughing creepily and they eventually make it back to Vinny’s bed. After about a minute Snooki rolls over and bluntly says, ‘wanna fuck?’

4(6). Vinny - to which Vinny boldly replies, ‘sure’. What a great fucking response. But I’ll get back to that. The other thing that made Vinny jump 2 spots was his inclusion in MVP (Mike - Vinny - Pauly), which is not to be confused with MVPA. They did a great job of slinking away from Angelina and having a boys night out supporting the GFF (Grenade Free Foundation). But their support didn’t last long as they returned from the club with nothing but Grenades. But back to Vinny and Snooki’s love fest. We never got a definitive answer from either on what happened and MTV conveniently never showed anything from that room that night. Should we assume the worst or take Vinny at his word? Vinny says he didn’t touch her, which may be true but I’d be willing to bet he touched her insides.

3(3). Pauly-D -the first thing I noticed about our fair DJ in this episode is how jacked he got since Season 1. I remember him being fairly thin and untattooed, now he looks like if Kat Von D could bench press a Hummer. Pauly really didn’t do that much again in this episode, but it was still just solid all around. One of the more banner moment came after they orchestrated Operation Angelina Ditch and were hanging in the jacuzzi with Grenades. Like Jaws on an unsuspecting coed a bra implant slowly creeped onto Pauly’s arm from under the water (a superb job by the editor using the ‘grainy 70’s horror movie filter’ as it nestled up to him). ‘It looks like a chicken cutlett’, Pauly said as the boys tossed it around jokingly, emarrassing the poor girl on Basic Cable Television almost guaranteeing that girl’s spiral into food, cocks, drugs and most likely suicide.

2(2). The Situation - ‘we’re at the zoo’, Mike calmly says as he wipes off his face and surveys the hot tub situation. For a guy who constantly complains about Grenades he’s been doing a bang up job of bringing nothing but back to their house for nearly 1 1/2 Seasons. But I’m not here to rag on The Situation, he (nearly) earns the top spot for yet another week. He danced with his shirt up the first night at the club, and when MVP hit the town refused to let any button on the shirt he was wearing confine his abs. Those abs were later used to promote the gelato shop with ‘6 Pack Advertising’… which just consisted of Mike taking his shirt off and asking chicks if they wanted ice cream. Sure, it failed miserably, but he gets an A for effort and all this season has really been taking pickles to a new level.

1(NR). The Syracuse Orange - no one has been getting more action out of the popularity of Jersey Shore than Snooki’s doppelganger the Syracuse Orange. He’s been known to go home with several people a night since everyone assumes he’s Snooki. Let’s just say Cuse hasn’t seen this much scoring since Carmelo Anthony entered the draft… and that’s The Situation.