Posted by Jake

Episode 202: The Hangover

As if the Gulf hasn’t had enough toxic waste pumped into it, MTV’s Jersey Shore is ‘taking its talents to South Beach’ for Season 2. Several things before I get to the list. A) I’m sorry this is late, but taking notes is actually exhausting while watching this show. I dread watching every DVR’d episode because I know viewing it will kill a part of my soul. B) a few people have complained that I make reference to the BP Oil Spill at the beginning of every Power Rankings article. I won’t do what I normally would (which is tell them to go fuck themselves), instead I’ll offer an ultimatum. I opened every Power Ranking of Season 1 by saying that The Jersey Shore was the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11. So would you rather have me make a casual joke about an Oil Spill, or would rather be some kind of sicko and have me begrudgingly remind people of the horrors on 9/11? Your choice people. Now that that is taken care of, back to Episode 2 which opens with a gusto - Ronnie came stumbling in blacked out, using ‘Bro’ as a noun, verb and adjective. There’s a phenomenal faux-night cam in the house that shows Ronnie going into bed with Sammi. The cast mates then decided to turn the Drama up to 11 and break off the knob.

10 (NR). Boss at the Gelato Shop - that guy has to be casted, there’s no way there’s a walking Italian-American Stereotype that perfect.

9(9). Sweetheart - other than being Ronnie’s personal Wet Blanket there’s really not much to talk about here with Sammi. The main thing that happened for her was when she went through Ronnie’s phone book and found his ex’s number. How bat-shit crazy are you? You’re so in love with this guy that you go through his personal phone book, then freak out because there’s an ex’s number there? Come on. That being said, Pauly-D brings up a great point saying, ‘you just gotta prepare for that.’

8(8). Angelina - or as The Situation has deemed her, ‘Ms. Cockblock of the Century’. A fitting name I might add. She spent most of this episode fighting, which is not entirely different than any other minute she’s been on screen. It all came to a head with the other girls in the cabana, where she was confronted about bad mouthing Snooki’s current fuck buddy boyfriend. After a while Angelina just blurts out, ‘this is High School shit’ which if she actually graduated would then know, that is what 99% of these arguments are. Having ruined any chance of patchwork between the women she heads to sushi with the boys. Her quote while eating, ‘I get along with guys more than I get along with girls’ is true but only because most whores work that way. Things with Angelina boil over at the club while she’s dancing with other girls and Pauly-D makes the social observation, ‘I think a lot of girls like both nowadays’ and other than my first though being ‘can someone tell my girlfriends it’s cool to be into chicks,’ it immediately hit me that Angelina is a complete enigma on this show. She has no friends, dances with everyone - there are no answers for her. She then got blacked out drunk and embarrassed herself to her only friends in the house. She made absolutely no sense while talking (i.e. ‘you were talking to a girl that AKA was married’), dropped quite a few Hard-R’s and then slapped Pauly-D in the face (side note: even though it wasn’t hard The Real World ‘Touch Someone You Go Home’ Rule must not apply because she’s in the preview for future episodes). My advice to her if she wants to move out of the cellar is take those bridges and burn baby, burn.

7(4) Snooki -a slow week out of Snooks, and thus she moves down. Every one’s favorite Oompa-Loompa stayed in the background this week really only making waves by starting a fight and buying the most ridiculous pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen. Not only can she not see out of them (‘when you put them on you can’t really see, so I don’t think you can drive with them because you’ll get a ticket’) but they cost almost $400. I suspect she will move up the Ranks in the coming weeks because of a teased hook up with our #6.

6(7). Vinny -another solid week out of Vinny, but it’s hard for me to move him up any further than middle of the pack if he continues to be just an ancillary character. He had two great quotes though, both dealing with The Situation spilling the Ronnie beans to all the girls. Every guy has a buddy who has done something stupid and been in this situation - where Vinny first says, ‘he told girls… what was he thinking?’ Which then as JWoww tries to pry further he says, ‘no, don’t say anything… she has a vagina’. Other than that statement being wildly debatable, it might be the best of the season so far.

5(2). Ronnie -oh, Ron Ron… how the mighty have fallen. Ronnie starts out the epi strong by stumbling in and being what Pauly-D calls the ‘IFF - I’m the Fucked Foundation’ luckily as Pauly also points out, Ronnie’s a client and the president. He gets in hot water with Sammi (who he’s not even dating) about what transpired during his blackout and he takes the route that work for OJ - deny, deny, deny. Ronnie’s episode then starts to snowball towards pathetic when Sammi comes in to apologize and Ronnie is laying on the bed pouting because she wouldn’t talk to him the night prior. I thought maybe at some point he might find the set of balls he dropped on his way back from the club, but he never did describing love as imperfect… or as he put it, ‘we’re not Zach and Kelly’. Which he’s actually right about, because I don’t hate Zach and Kelly. Ronnie hits the final straw with me when he goes to get a tattoo towards then end of the episode because, ‘with everything I’m going through, I just want to feel pain.’ Really asshole… really? You’re making $10,000 and episode to booze, sling gelato and make drama with Sammi, please for the love of God shut the fuck up.

4(6). JWoww - our fair lady boy had quite the solid week. As they walked up to (what Snooki thought was) a ‘Tranny Shop’ Jwoww confirmed most of our suspicions by describing it as, ‘perfect, it’s my scene’. They then proceeded to buy clothing that would make most prostitutes blush. Her two shining moments though came later in the episode when Snooki sees JWoww naked through what can only be described as ‘the Worst Bathroom Door Ever’ to which everyone immediately comes to take a peak. There’s then the aforementioned big fight in the cabana between JWoww, Snooks, and Angelina where J name drops a few of her friends including, ‘J420 and Joey-Anks (sp?)’. At that point I laughed out loud, those are serious names? I mean the robots in Star Wars had more cleverly thought up names than that. My laughter quickly subsided into blinding fear as she threatened beat the shit out of Angelina. I believe she would do it too with the possibility of seriously injuring Angelina as it looks like JWoww could bench press a Volkswagen. If I were on her bad side I would definitely heed her advice and ‘sleep with one eye open’.

3(5). Pauly-D - what a great week for every body’s favorite DJ. He showed us how real men shower (just douche yourself with Axe), and how to pick up married chicks. Hands down his shining moment came when he was asked to wear a hat while working at the Gelato Shop. ‘This hair ain’t movin’ my dude… 150 miles an hour on a street bike, it doesn’t move. What makes you think it’s going to move in a Gelato Shop.’

2(3). The Situation - this is maybe the most dominant week of Jersey Shore I’ve seen since Snooki was punched in the face. The episode starts out strong for Mike as they’re going through the carnage of the night prior when he casually wakes up and takes a sip of the beer on his nightstand. He also does a fantastic job of dealing with the spilled chicken situation, being succinct with ‘pick the shit up dawg’. Mike also introduces us to rocking ‘the shirt before the shirt’, which oddly enough is something I’ve been doing for years… but only because I sweat completely any shirt I wear within minutes. The real good stuff starts at the club where we get The Situation in prime form making out with a chick and he delivers us the standard pixelated upskirt shot while she’s climbing off of him (the first of Season 2). But none of this compares to his telephone etiquette - which is what lands him the top spot easily. Not only is it fantastic to answer the phone, ‘Situation speaking’ but him ordering food may be one of the greatest things ever captured on film. ‘yeah The Situation… capital S - i - t - u - a - t - i - o - n’ then the guy on other end (audibly fed up), ‘whatever, dude’. This season it’s definitely safe to say that The Situation is taking pickles to a whole new level.

1(NR). The Jesus Shore -it’s safe to say that many Americans (mostly prudes) do not approve of the way the Jersey Shore cast mates live their lives. There is a specific group from Seaside Heights taking action against this lifestyle - enter The Jesus Shore. A religious group promoting PTL (praise the Lord) instead of every one’s favorite GTL. They’re main goal is to show that there’s another side to Seaside Heights other than ‘fighting and fornicating’ Pastor Anthony Storino says. Now I love knocking on religious nutjobs as much as the next guy… but I won’t do it here. Although I have bad news for the fine Pastor Storino - Seaside Heights didn’t have the most exemplary reputation even before The Shore started (plus they gave me the rare opportunity to photoshop Moses). Looks like Pauly-D’s beats won’t be the only regarded as Holy on The Shore for Season 3 - which yes, they’re already shooting… and that’s The Situation.