Posted by Jake

Without question MTV’s Jersey Shore was the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11… and now, as if the Gulf hasn’t had enough problems the cast will be boozing and spreading The Clap all over South Beach. With Season 2 starting up this means the return of an ADPTP Favorite - Jersey Shore Power Rankings. Before the season starts on July 29th it’s important to know where everyone stands heading into Episode 1. Plus this gives me a chance to rehash a bunch of jokes I thought were gold in the first set of Power Rankings from a time when no one read the site… and I get to do it because jokes are like rape cases - no Statute of Limitations. And now, the countdown including their current rank and their rank at the end of last season.

10 (NR). Angelina - apparently she’s coming back? She was Unranked at the end of Season 1 because she left the show due to… well I don’t remember why. In fact I barely remember her, then again barely remember the last time I farted too.

9 (8). Sweetheart - once again, boring. She dated Ronnie for most of the first season, and the only thing that was really stood out was she banged him within a few days. The problem there is that this still makes her unmemorable, a diseased needle in a tanned intercourse haystack.

8 (9). Vinny - as I mentioned last season I thought Vinny would pull a ‘Minkus’. For those of you who have never watched Boy Meets World - Minkus was the lovable Dork for the first few seasons, disappearing when the cast made it to high school. When Graduation came around the explanation was, ‘I was just on the other side of the school the whole time’. This is Vinny, a background character that gained legs near the middle of the season, but by the end just seemed to be on the other side of the club the whole time.

7 (7). Duck Phone - here’s to hoping the Duck Phone migrated South for Season 2. Whether it was Snooki reconnecting with her mom or JWoww growing apart from her boyfriend, the Duck blinked its eyes and listened. The Duck Phone quickly replaced Booze and Rohypnol as an intricate part of all the Jersey Shore relationships.

6 (5). Pauly-D - DJ Pauly-D has been almost nonexistent since Season 1 has ended. Few men have ever layed on so many grenades and lived to tell the tale. As Pauly-D starts his second tour as The Situation’s Wingman you wonder if the tides will turn for our fair DJ or if he’ll keep taking home ugly chicks.

5 (6). Ronnie - probably should be lower, his season long relationship with Sammy Sweetheart really ruined his chances to run a muck on these Power Rankings last December. Although he gets props for Smushing her on the first week, he quickly dropped for continuing to do so. He’s moved up because the rumor around the school yard is the HGH finally takes a hold of him and there’s a Testosterone Fueled Slut Bang this season… I cannot wait.

4 (3). Snooki - this pudgy orange ball of Daddy Issues stole America’s heart by showing her crotch while dancing and being genuinely unlikable last season. Oh yeah, and she got KO’d in a bar. I still remember the first time I saw the clip - I couldn’t believe it, it was so amazing - when she got sucker punched I felt like that nerd at the end of Scanners. If I ever have a daughter, her actions are the reason I will try my hardest to have her not hate me. But somehow she gets magazine shoots and has a monthly appearance on the Tonight Show. But why? Let’s be honest here, if being a loud mouthed cunt who gets punched in the face makes you famous - my girlfriend would be a millionaire by now.

3 (2). JWoww - apparently she’s curtailed this into a moderately successful modeling career. How? Her face is extremely mannish and her boobs look like someone stretched skin too tight over a pair of softballs. But still I keep getting it pounded down my throat how attractive she is. I don’t buy it, it’s like one of those batshit conspiracy theories like Elvis and Tupac are still alive, The Wizard of Oz matching up with Pink Floyd, or Boondock Saints being watchable.

2 (1). The Situation - although he did have the top spot after last year’s finale Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino has been bumped back a spot. I have a strong feeling that Mike will have no problem regaining the top spot in Miami though. He ended the season the strongest out of the regular cast members and deserves a spot in the Reality Show Hall of Fame (is Fame the right word there?). One of the better quotes of last season came as he and Pauly-D lured two girls into the nefarious hot tub, ‘I’m hooking up with my girl. Pauly is hooking up with his girl. And we’re going to have sex. That’s the situation.’ Forget Rorschach, Michael Sorrentino is the tragic hero America can empathize with.

1 (NR). The Jacuzzi - the true hero of Jersey Shore Season 1. This Hot Tub has seen more Guido ass than a park bench in Newark. When asked for comment on what took place in the Jacuzzi on The Jersey Shore a Hot Tub from the Sybaris vomited and said, ‘God, I feel sorry for that guy’. Here’s to hoping that the entire Jacuzzi is sealed away somewhere like the Ark of the Covenant. Rumor has it the Producers couldn’t bury it for fear the liquid contents of that Hot Tub would seep some poor town’s water supply… and that’s The Situation.