Posted by Jake

Episode 1.4 – Fade to Black

Each week ADPTP will have a semi-sports related comment thanks to the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11 - MTV’s Jersey Shore (Cracked.com). It’s relevant because there’s a ton of booze on the show and Power Rankings have to kind of do with Sports. This is a little late, but seeing as The Shore is on a 2 week break I figured I’d have time. This week was essentially the one we’ve all been waiting for – Snooki gets sucker punched.

8. Vinny (9) – continues to have a nonexistent role on the show except for when they pan the dance floor and he’s creeping on some Bleached Blonde Shore Whore. The good news is that technically he’s moved up in the standings - but only because Jolie left the show. He’s getting legitimately less screen time and is going to slowly fade away until he’s non-existent… like Minkus on Boy Meets World.

7. Sweetheart (5) – other than fake flirting with a cop, getting Smushed by Ronnie is the best thing she’s done in weeks.

6. Duck Phone (8) – had a lot of play this week. Whether it was Snooki reconnecting with her mom or JWoww growing apart from her boyfriend, the Duck blinks its eyes and listens. The Duck Phone may replace Booze and Rohypnol as an intricate part of all Jersey Shore relationships.

5. Ronnie (2) - although I do believe he is the Alpha Male of the house still he has broken his Cardinal Rule, ‘Don’t Fall in Love on the Jersey Shore’. Although it’s awesome that he’s Smushing Sweetheart just weeks after first meeting her, it has turned him into a boring one dimensional character. I was expecting a lot of Whore Smushing and Roid Induced Fights out of Ronnie.

4. Pauly-D (6) – a rather large push in the numbers, but that’s what you get when you jump on grenades. Being The Situation’s Wing-Man is the best thing that could’ve happened to DJ Pauly. If he’s not pushing Jacuzzi he’s busy taking home Ugly Girls for The Situation. He also has one of the greatest quotes of the show so far in describing their insanely idiotic dancing, ‘we’re beatin’-up-the-beat, that’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First, we start off by banging the ground, we’re banging it as the beat builds ‘cause that beat’s hittin’ us so we’re fightin’ back, it’s like we beat up that beat.’ Right now Hemingway is turning in his grave.

3. Snooki (3) – stays pat at 3. Although she had a great week I really think she hasn’t done anything that warrants a jump up. Her prime moments were meeting with her mom and doing cartwheels in a dress showing her vagina to an entire club… oh yeah, SHE GOT PUNCHED IN THE FUCKING FACE. MTV made the classy decision not to show it, so sorry folks you won’t be able to witness the sucker punch unless you have cable television, a DVR or access to the Internet.

2. JWoww (1) – moved down a spot because our #1 had a stellar week. She stayed near the top because she continues to wear outfits that would make most strippers blush and slut it up on Pauly-D. The tension between her boyfriend keeps building and I’m assuming that at some point they will break it off sending her into a Whorish Meltdown. Naturally this will result in the Chernobyl of Smushing Guidos.

1. The Situation (4) – what can I say about Mike ‘The Situation’? He’s finally nailed the top spot like some floozy at Karma (a position many readers have thought he’s deserved for weeks). He did not have a dull moment, whether it was fist pumping, two timing or delivering gold quotes, this was his episode. One of the better quotes coming as he and Pauly-D lured two girls into that nefarious hot tub, ‘I’m hooking up with my girl. Pauly is hooking up with his girl. And we’re going to have sex. That’s the situation.’ Forget Rorschach, Michael Sorrentino is the tragic hero America can love… and that’s The Situation.