Posted by Jake

Episode 1.3 - Good Riddance

Each week ADPTP will have a semi-sports related comment thanks to the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11 - MTV’s Jersey Shore (Cracked.com). It’s relevant because there’s a ton of booze on the show and Power Rankings have to kind of do with Sports.

9. Vinny (5) - maybe the worst character. He has no screen time and has lost a lot of ground since last week seeing as the only reason he was relevant was him having Pink Eye. Also, he might be retarded.

8. The Duck Phone (Unranked) - actually more entertaining than Vinny.

7. Angelina (7) - that’s right - a character that got the boot is above Vinny. This episode she brought friends to the house, and in their second of screen time managed to suck less than her. She really didn’t get entertaining until her last moments when we find out that her current boyfriend is probably leaving her and in the process of getting a divorce (which is high on the Unintentional Comedy Scale). She then refuses to call in sick and drums up a fake cold to try and get out of work. Listen Toots, you’re coughing because you slammed a pack of Newport Menthols and found out your boyfriend is still married not because of Influenza. There’s a Montage after she leaves of here being just a bitch to all the roommates - all I can say is - Good Riddance Cockblock.

6. Pauly D (6) - consistently hanging out around the bottom half. Forget that he’s asked to start the grill and almost blows up the house - he’s just not that interesting. The only good thing he’s done is break up JWoww and her boyfriend and have a earring through his penis. He does have a good quote about the JWoww sittune though - ‘she doesn’t want to feel like a trash bag because she kissed me with her tongue.’ Like a modern day Walt Whitman.

5. Sweetheart (2)  - a big drop off for her. One of the reason’s I put her as a power player is because she played The Situation and went with Ronnie. Now that she’s a One-Man-Woman… no thanks. MTV has a time honored tradition of putting some World Class Whores on TV, I thought she had a shot but I was wrong. She only gets a little bit of credit for hitting on that Cop after she saw Ronnie dancing (more on that later).

4. The Situation (3) - falls back a spot but I can’t pinpoint why. It could be because he complimented Sweetheart after she played him, or that he was talking about how hot Snooki’s horse-faced friend Ryder. Let’s be honest, if she looked any more like a horse Siegs would’ve already lost $2 Grand on her. But like a Guido from the Ashes he redeems himself slightly by making out with #3.

3. Snooki (4) - she really puts it on here. She’s bringing her whorish friends and dances with them, makes out with them, eats pickles seductively… just whorish things in general. Most of this happening in the Hot Tub, which might be grosser than the Sybaris. You might get The Clap from breathing the air around this Jacuzzi. Snooki is right now a whore on the prowl and makes out with The Situation in the aforementioned Cesspool. She also has a great quote about her make out session with The Situation describing why she did it - ‘that’s what I want, a good guy and a jerk off.’ Reminds you of the end of a Jane Austen novel, doesn’t it?

2. Ronnie (1) - Ronnie drops a surprising spot a) because of his laugh, and b) because he’s sweet on Sweetheart. I mean they even went on a date… this isn’t the Ronnie I was assuming to see. He stays high because regardless of who he’s ‘pounding out’ he’s still the Alpha Male of the house. He is built like a brick shit-house and has a patented dance move that is phenomenal. He also uses this dance move to possibly dance with another girl (we’re not sure of the sitch) and possibly hook up with #1.

1. JWoww (8) - from worst to first! I really was not interested in her at all the first episode - she had a boyfriend and made out with a guy… big deal, this is MTV not PAX - try and shock me folks. She kind of starts coming out of her shell pretending to be blacked out when mouth fucking Pauly D and seeing his pierced member. Nobody buys it. She also has her boyfriend come to the Shore, and as you would assume is wearing an Affliction or Tapout shirt. They eventually break up over Pauly D’s lips and penis and JWoww blossoms. She shows up to go out in a top that would make most strippers blush and dances on just about every guy on the show and probably the Boom Mic Operator. When Ronnie leaves the club in the hurry this minx immediately jets as well. Did they hook up? I guess we’ll have to tune in next week to The Shore.

Later Bra, You’s Feels Me?