posted by Jake

A special thanks to the good folks at With Leather for reminding me how fantastic many Super Bowl prop bets are. Seeing how awful I did in Championship weekend I figure I might as well load up a ‘Mikey’ with prop bets and hope to come out on top. I look at my 0-2 weekend two ways, on one hand maybe making references to miscarriages in a Boston accent or referencing Vernon Davis as football’s Lexington Steele is not the best way to build good karma for a gambling run. On the other both were dicey bets that I felt I needed to place because Brandon did not want to do a podcast. Just in case ghosts and voodoo are real though I will try and shy away from bad juju for my Super Bowl bets… which will be hard seeing as Kelly Clarkson is singing the National Anthem. I do not have anything personal against her, it is just that I found out a while ago that woman get easily offended when you make fun of Kelly Clarkson’s weight, so naturally it is all I do. So, no longer will she be referred to as ‘Fatty Fat-Fat Fatso, Sr.’ (because there is nothing Junior about her) or bring up her extreme weight gain since American Idol, I will make jokes that are in better taste. Like bringing up the fact that she lost a karaoke contest to a guy whose only daily performance the last 7 years has been blowing guys for coke money behind a Pancake House somewhere in Georgia, or the fact that on a talent level she rests somewhere between the ‘Charlie bit my finger’ kid and the lead singer of your favorite Poison cover band. On to the bets.

Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem Under 1:35 - I have not done that much research on this topic, probably because when I listen to things on YouTube I prefer it when I my ears do not bleed. I am kidding of course, I do not use that site… or when I do I type it as YouPorn, I have found that much more enjoyable. Christina Aguilera was a perfect gamblers bet last year because she was the classic, ‘I hold notes too long so people think I am soulfull’ singer and Xtina barely cleared 90 seconds. Kelly Clarkson will not last that long, like me on YouPorn.

Will Kelly Clarkson have a bare midriff for her National Anthem Performance - No (-400) - this is hands down the easiest bet of the weekend. How is this only at (-400)? Has Kelly Clarkson been running around in a tube top and none of us are really aware of it? Granted, it is at horrible odds because if she flashes even a centimeter of tummy I am screwed. The only way I see her showing any skin is if they sell her the story that for every inch she shows the producers will destroy a copy from From Justin to Kelly (see I am changing, an asshole would have put ‘for every inch shown they will give her a meatball hoagie’ there).

Average Viewers Over 117 Million - I feel this one is pretty easy too. Let us look at the factors: A) it is the most watched sporting even in America. B) one of the teams playing is in the largest media market in America and where a good portion of the Nielsen Boxes lie. C) Boston is full of alcoholics who will be far too shitfaced by kick off to drive to a bar. Easy ‘Over’.

New England Patriots Under 101.5 Rushing Yards - the burning question for this bet - will Kevin Faulk break the century mark? I will say this about the bet, if BJGE, Woodhead and Faulk combine for 80 some yards I will get nervous because the Giants have been giving up quite a few yards to the opposing QB. Tom Brady may be a pretty boy, but he is also not afraid to tuck it an scramble when necessary.

New York (Football) Giants (+3) over NEW ENGLAND GREATRIOTS - the lifeless coach versus the sleeveless sweatshirt (and some hot cutoff sweatpants now too). The nerdy mouth breather people still do not seem to trust versus the greatest quarterback of all time. For all the people that have complained this really is matching up to be a pretty decent Super Bowl. I mean, who can forget David Tyree’s miraculous (or fucking awful if you gambled on that game) helmet catch the last time these two played in the Championship (I mean, that asshole is not even in the league anymore, who the fuck is he to make that catch)? These last few paragraphs might be a little nonsensical from here on out seeing as I can not get over how great the side picture is. If Bill plans on continuing to rock those cut off shorts I demand his sweatshirts start reading ‘Dangerous Curves Ahead’. I could not find a prop bet for ‘total passing yards’ for this game. This is probably because the o/u would be around 2,234.5. New England ranked 2nd in the NFL in total passing while the Giants ranked 5th which is perfect because neither team can stop their opponents’ strength with the Pats ranked 31st and New York is 29th against the pass (which is also why I am going Under 54… because it makes no sense). What I think this game comes down to is the health of Rob Gronkowski and the Giants’ unstoppable defensive line. Both of these tip in the favor the G-Men. Speaking of Gronk, I was sorely disappointed there was not a Prop Bet for ‘Richter Reading on a Gronkowski Spike’. And although I (and the other contributor to this website) believe that Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time, his slot guy (who barely beat out Ocho Cinco) is Julian Edelman who is also their Nickel corner - advantage to Eli with Nicks and Cruz. On top of that, every Super Bowl that the Brady/Belichick combo has been involved in the underdog has covered. Wilfork and the Giants D all involved, I look for this to be a close hard fought battle with a lot of early explosions… just like me on YouPorn (that is what refer to as a ‘call back’ in the business kids).

2011-12 ‘Mikey’s Record - 25-17-3 (.589)

All-Time ‘Mikey’s Record - 74-42-5 (.632)

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