Posted by Jake

Episode 204: Breaking Up

Episode 205: The Letter

Episode 206: Not So Shore (it’s a pun… get it?)

I know, I’ve been lazy. I had missed the past two episodes of the Shore making me behind the Eight Ball for last night’s. In a move that was extremely dangerous to my personal health I watched all 3 episodes in one sitting. I now have compiled 180 minutes of The Jersey Shore into a single power ranking (hence Bukkake in the title… plus that term makes me laugh every time I hear it) and the extra A’s in Extravaganza make me sound like a Carnival Barker calling attention to the Post. I’m going to spice this Ranking up with some Screen Caps… but there’s so much great material like Emiliogate, Genital Wartsgate, and everyone’s favorite: Anonymous Lettergate.

10(10). Enzo - he’s been absent for as long as I can remember (what is he, my dad?) which is too bad because he was one of the finer Italian stereotypes I’ve seen in a while. My best guess is he’s dead in banana peel related gokart accident, or was eaten by a giant plant that comes out of green tubing.

9(9). Sweetheart -the main conflict in the house for a while has been Anonymous Lettergate. Pretending like she had absolutely no idea what Ronnie was doing she cried and then showed the note to everyone in the house. Who gives a fuck. Sweetheart is boring and the only thing that is bearable with her is she makes a semi-cute scrunch face while looking in the mirror… it’s really her only redeeming quality. I honestly can’t say this enough - the show would be a lot better without her in the house as the worst wet blanket in the world.

8(8). Angelina -there are a bevy of reasons why I hate Angelina. One of them being that she uses the phrase, ‘I could care less’. Every time the exits her mouth I just want to yell at the TV, ‘it’s I COULDN’T CARES LESS YOU STUPID FUCK… if you could care less YOU WOULD!’ Pretty soon she’ll start pluralizing RBI and I’ll lose my god damned marbles. One of the only two talking points in the last three weeks involving Angelina are her fight with The Situation in which she snapped because Mike asked her to help out around the house. The other being the tag team from Hell: Sammi and Angelina. Those two getting together are like when Denise Richards was on a few episodes of Two and a Half Men. Independent from each other their awful, but combined make a new kind of torture. And in the saddest thing I’ve ever seen Sammi actually barters friendship with Angelina to get information on Ronnie… it’s pathetic. God, she’s the worst.

7(7). Ronnie -remember when Ronnie was an interesting character and had balls? Yeah, neither do I. After Anonymous Lettergate Ronnie tries to play it cool by lying (which MTV awesomely inter-cuts with the act he’s lying about) and pouting. I just want that gorilla getting hammered and hitting on fat chicks… is that too much to ask? He pleads his case though and has the perfect line, ‘I’m definitely not a Saint’.

6(5). Snooki -Snooks surprisingly drops a few spots even though she was engaged in every ‘gate’ the last three weeks. Her complicity in Anonymous Lettergate, her sex with Vinny in Genital Wartsgate and the phone call with Emilio in Emiliogate. Emiliogate and Genital Wartsgate actually overlap at one point. Emilio is an asshole over the phone to which drunk Snooks says she’s going to test the boys’ beds to, ‘test which bed is comfortable enough.’ If you didn’t think she was going to get smushed at this point you’ve never seen Snooki, Jersey Shore or a porno. It’s fantastic, and not only that via Wartsgate we also get a juicy tidbit of what Vincenzo’s working with. Apparently (as Snooki so elegantly put it), ‘it’s like trying to fit a watermelon in a pinhole’. She did have another classic moment while she was writing down a recipe from an ex-boyfriend, she did so with one of those giant crayons they make for the slow kids… I think it’s the same type of crayon Sarah Palin writes her tweets with.  Maybe most famously (and might be the defining moment of the season) JWoww and Snooks wrote ‘The Letter’. Snooki was the one who actually did the typing and I was going to make a joke about her graduating high school, but this makes me legitimately concerned for the the American education system. Jesus Harold Christ, the spelling and grammar in that letter are atrocious. I know it’s an anonymous letter letting your friend know that her boyfriend’s cheating on her, but have some pride.

5(6). JWoww -even though Snooki was the typist, Anonymous Lettergate’s mastermind was none other than every one’s favorite fake titted Newports smoker. I’d be worried about getting caught with an anonymous letter if there were 20 people in the house. There are 8… and Ronnie or Sammi didn’t write it, that means there are 6 people to choose from, and when two people represent 1/3 of that population you are going to get caught. Not to mention there are cameras filming everything because YOU’RE ON FUCKING TELELVISION. Also randomly in the episode JWoww talks to Tom her boyfriend. Did I miss something? I realize she wasn’t as whorish this season, but this boyfriend thing came out of left field. Not only that, but he got play in the episode for the last 15 minutes. And speaking of the last few minutes of this show there was a fight between J and Sammi. Besides the fact that I’m physically afraid of JWoww this seems like it’d be a pretty easy win for her, and it starts that way when she Pedro on Don Zimmer’s Sam to the ground. In a shocking twist though Sammi gets up and land a few haymakers right to J’s chin. I can not wait to see how this ends (*crosses fingers and hopes for kissing*).

4(3). Pauly-D -quiet week for our fair DJ but he does have one of my favorite lines in Jersey Shore history now. While he was with Vinny a the Optometrist Pauly casually mentions to the Doctor during the examination that, ‘he has a history of Pink Eye’. Oh, that’s gold.

3(4). Dirk Diggler Vinny -Vin you dog, you. In these episodes Vinny does what we’ve been waiting a season and a half for him to do. No, not bang Snooki, but to start being awesome. He used to just casually quip in the background or in the confessional - now he’s doing it out in the open. Here are my favorite Vinny quotes followed by that amazing Screen Cap.

~’This spray tan, this chain, and this fitted… how could she not?’ (in reference to Mike’s sister being sexually interested in him)

~’It’s hard to look this fresh.’

~’It’s like your tits. It looks sick, but it’s fake.’ (in reference to the Ice he bought and JWoww’s fake knockers)

2(2). The Situation - Mike has turned from classic Guido dirtball into one of my favorite characters in recent TV memory. Why do I use the term ‘character’? Because that’s exactly what The Situation is. While having a Jersey Shore discussion at work I casually brought up that one of my favorite things about Mike this season is how self-aware he is. You don’t think he realizes he can capitalize off this? He’s toned it down and made a character out of it. Maybe my favorite being how he constantly mugs to the camera. Whether it’s girls rubbing his abs or in the middle of a roommate fight The Situation always has a hilarious face to give directly at the camera, his ability to mug is taking pickles to a whole new level. One of my favorites being when he found out he was being hit on by a Tranny and our new #1.

1(NR). Lady Gaga - MTV can pixelate the face all they want. Awful gloves, terrible looking ratty hair, a suspected Tranny, there is no question the blurred he/she that was hitting on The Situation was Lady Gaga. Has anyone ever considered that Lady Gaga was the inspiration for Charlize Theron’s character in Arrested Development? Think about it, a woman who dresses crazy and talks a little insane but it’s let go because people think she’s artsy or eccentric… and then it turns out she’s just retarded. The parallels are there, that’s all I’m saying… and that’s The Situation.